Eleven years. That is how long it took for me to become a mother. Oddly enough as my walk with the Lord grew the harder the realities of infertility became. I was angry. I felt cheated. I ached and I mourned.
I felt like a misfit in a world where everyone else could do what a woman was designed to do. The bible said “go forth and multiply” and my multiplier was broken. It was like everyone else had admission to the secret society of pregnancy and I had been blackballed.
As time marched on a 28 day grief cycle became my norm. I clung to scripture and trusted the Lord to keep His word. Then the 28th day would come and in tears I would shake my fist at heaven. My husband consoled me, prayed with me and over me and held my hand tighter every time we passed a smiling woman with a baby bump. But the tears, the doubts, the fears and the loss kept coming.
I watched as friends announced their pregnancies, grew bellies, complained about back aches and became members of the club I was so desperate to join. Babies R Us became a field of land mines for me and I had to sit in the car and pray just to go into a baby shower. I felt alone. Isolated. Crazy. My flat belly mocked me and darker grew my cave.
Adoption moved from Plan B to Plan A and I was genuinely excited. God had brought me to a place of wanting to mother more than to be pregnant. We prayed and trusted the Lord to lead us to the child He had for us. Birthmothers came and went, plans to adopt from Russia came and went and by then my hope had come and gone as well. Exhausted and broken my prayers finally became about Him and not about me. I gave up my womb to Him to birth from it what He chose; if it was child or a dream or a purpose so be it. He brought me to a place where I could honestly pray that no matter if I ever became a mother or not I would serve Him, praise Him and love Him. It was in this place God led us to become Foster to Adoptive parents.
Our daughter was 13 days old the day we brought her home. As I settled in to rock her for the very first time I well remember both of us sighing in peace. Somehow we both knew He had helped us find each other. One year later her adoption was final. Some would say that was the day our victory was complete but I know better. The victory came when I turned over my dream and my pain to Him and put Him above my desire.
She is two years old now and is truly the hand of God before my eyes. My faith brought to life, His promise kept.