The Invisible Word

I am the word police. I have an almost physical reaction to people speaking negatively over themselves or a situation. "I will never get rid of these hips" "I could never afford that". As a special needs mom I find I walk a tight rope between agreement and argument. I get that some things just are what they are but there is this part of me that is always holding out for the miraculous.

A friend asked me Friday if Bella will every speak "normally". Many experts say "no" but I believe she will. So I have taken to speaking over Bella that she will be a voice to her generation. She has a genetic condition (Sotos Syndrome) that causes her to never stop growing, hence she is much larger than the children in her age group and runs a little on the "thick" side. Often people will say to her, "you are getting so big" and I always say "yes, she is getting tall!". Or someone will tell her she looks pretty or cute and she has learned to say, "and smart".  Bella has taken to saying "mommy, after I'm good....(insert whatever it is she's wanting)" and every time I say "Bella is always good, you mean after you make good choices?" and she starts her sentence over. Perhaps I am being a bit rigid or over zealous? Maybe. But I 100% believe that our words shape us, our beliefs, therefore our choices and our lives. Every child will spend his life acting out of what he believes is true about himself and the world at large. Experts say these beliefs are set in place by the time a child is 8 years old. If that holds true it means I have 2 and a half more years to help Bella define who she believes she is and what the world holds.

There are and will be plenty of voices that tell Bella she can't or won't or never will....I am resolved to fill her with as much YES as I can. The enemy of her sweet little soul's number one hope is that he can steal the power of her yes. That she will stumble on the rock of only being beautiful, that she will shrink back her voice in doubt of it's strength, that she will deny herself the capacity of big dreams because she feels unworthy. No, no, no, not on my watch sweet Bean. I will be the weird word police mom that makes you say "I am smart, I am beautiful and I am strong" rather than just complimenting your prettiness. I will hold you to accountable for your actions but I hope to teach you that your value is never changed by outward circumstance and above all that no matter what your voice is that God's voice is ever speaking love and victory inside of you, over you, behind you and before you.

Signed, the unapologetically weird word mom

"The Lord's promise is sure. He speaks no careless word; all He says is purest truth, like silver seven times refined." -- Psalms 14: 6

The War On Words

Yesterday morning at church Jon and I went down for prayer over Bella's MRI tomorrow. I returned to my seat fighting back tears and lost myself in Sunday morning praise worship. In the music I realized that I was not crying because I was sad, scared, or defeated....but because I was hacked. Mad. Angry. P'd the you know what. My tears were my inner pleading that dang it already Lord I just wanna draw a line in the sand and say NO MORE. No more for her, no more needle sticks, scary tests, anesthesia. No more. No more tears, fears, explanations, fights, battles, no more talking. I honestly had to ask myself as a bible beating, Christ following, warrior mommy how the heck was it JUST NOW dawning on me to draw a line?!?!? To say in the spiritual as well as the natural, "we are done, healed, complete". It crossed my mind that maybe I am so busy advocating, following up, explaining, planning and talking through all the hoops to keep Bella's ship righted that I run out of energy to talk to the One who steers the ship without any help from me. Perhaps I have let the enemy keep me so worn out talking that I have forgotten to be silent before my King?

Last night as I put Bella to bed I prayed heavily over her and I vowed to trust Him more. To do less talking and more resting. Less planning and more praying. Less fighting and more trusting. Less advocating out of defense and more operating in offensive Grace. In those heavy, deep, emotional and all out prayers over her sleeping little form I drew the line. No more. She is whole. She is healed. She is perfect. Every nerve, every neuron, every synapse, every muscle, every inch of her is perfectly made in His design. She is a miracle, she will astound the doctors with her progress. She will be a voice to her generation and her life with be glory to The Lord. Even typing it my heart grips tightly with the thought "but what if she doesn't" . I don't know. I cannot allow my faith the option to allow in any fear today. The what if is not in my hands anyway....the how we get it it and through it is.

This morning I held her as they put in her IV. And by held I mean restrained. It was horrible, her screams break me. She doesn't understand. She was fully sedated on top of me then they carried her to the MRI. I never stopped kissing her face till they carried her out. I cried once she left the room. The line felt faint, fuzzy and unreliable. But in the midst God felt ever present.

I cannot help but think that before the dawn of creation He drew a line in the sand of time too....He said nothing could separate me from His love, that no weapon formed against me could prosper, that He would never leave me or forsake me. His commitment to the line was His ultimate sacrifice. He kept His agreement, there is no "if" with Him. So I will hold tight to His promises for my daughter and let Him hold tight to my line.

"The" Question

Our whole life is spent unconsciously asking the same question over and over. It takes different forms, it sounds different if you are a man or a woman, a child or an adult. But it is the same question. Am I worthy to be loved? Or as I say it "Am I Lovely?" My young daughter Bella was playing dress up recently and turned to her daddy and asked, "pretty daddy?", her five year old way of saying "daddy, is what you see in me of value?". Life will either tell you "yes" or "no". You will believe it. And whether you land on the yes side or no side in your belief about your own inherent value will determine who, when and how you let the people and circumstances of your life answer, affirm and repeat to you who you are.

Bella's daddy told her yes. I tell her yes. And when people tell her she is cute I tell her, "yes you are and you're smart too!". But no matter how many times we tell her she is precious there are a mountain of moments in her growing up waiting to prove to her otherwise. So not only do I tell her she is beautiful....we talk about how Jesus tells her she is beautiful.

No matter what wound the world has left on your heart, no matter how many times you have been told you are not lovely, no matter what there is ONE who says you ARE. Your value is in Christ in you. He calls you His beloved, He shouts over you in delight, He counts the numbers of hairs on your head, He adores you as the apple of His eye. Yes, He knows all you have done, good, bad, ugly and x-rated. He loves you. He knows you forgot to pray yesterday. He thinks you are beautiful. He saw you blow it on the tollway in road rage. He delights in blessing you. There is NOTHING you can do to make Him love you more or make Him love you less. He says, YOU are lovely. The same voice and power that spoke the worlds into existence, placed the stars in the sky, blows the wind and sprinkles the snow calls you loved and lovely. Let Him whisper your beauty to you today.