on Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Labels: Mommy Ink
Today I woke up able to see silver linings. The heavy weight has lessened and in it 's place is gratitude. Last night before bed I was reading a book about praying for your children….and it started talking about learning to release your children to God especially during difficult times when your mommy heart just wants to hold them tighter and protect them. The book kept encouraging me to pray Bella over to God and trust Him to protect her on our difficult journey. No matter the outcome. I did not want to. At all. Not ever. But I felt that soft nudging from Him to trust that He loves her even more than I do and that He does indeed have good plans for her. I told Him in no uncertain terms that I was not going to pray this because it would make me cry and I just could not bear to cry anymore. The soft nudge continued and soon I was praying, pleading, hoping and indeed releasing her over to Him. Trusting as faithfully as I could that it was all under control—not under my control freak OCD micro managed to hold the world together with duck tape control—but under His perfect, peaceful, always on time, always for the best control. The tears dried up and I felt the peace He had been so eagerly waiting to lavish upon our home come and with it came sleep.
So today I woke up to the bigger picture. She is perfectly where she is meant to be. Life will march on and we will be ok. Good things await us. His best awaits us. He will be glorified in her story. And today, be warned, Warrior Mommy is back. There are oodles of things that I am not good at but there is one thing that I KNOW I am good at. And that my friends is battling it out for Bella. Being her voice and her advocate. In the light of where we are and looking back at from where we have come from I know that I know that a strong component of why she is ours and why she is alive at all is because I advocate for her passionately and without apology. When it comes to Bella I rarely if ever doubt myself and I never EVER back down. Maybe that is why He choose me to be her mommy after all. Yesterday this seemed like a cross to bear…today I wear being the oh so blessed mommy of a special needs daughter truly as a badge of honor. While being a mother takes a very special heart and the will to lay yourself and your needs aside minute by minute being a special needs moms takes a fighter. A warrior. A survivior. a.k.a. Warrior Mommy.
Men have a battle stance. They hold firm and guard the door by force. Women….well, we fight in high heels. We can run, dance, tip toe and balance on something smaller than a dime and we will crawl over broken glass for a child we love; all the while looking beautiful and writing stellar thank you notes. We fight with beauty, not always with dignity and not always the way the world thinks that we should but we press forward when men lag back from exhaustion. We march on when everyone else walks away. We take the bullet and sew up the wound all in one step and we never, ever, ever give up.
My prayers today are songs of praise and gratitude that He saw in me the fight she needs. I am humbled and honored He felt me up for the task of being a special needs mommy. I am sincerely grateful for every single painful moment I have ever walked through because every single moment of my life was to make me strong enough, bull headed enough, confident enough, and prayerful enough to be a Warrior Mommy.
So I am sliding on my high heels, fluffing up my tutu and tying on my super hero cape……it's all up up and away from here!