Yesterday morning at church Jon and I went down for prayer over Bella's MRI tomorrow. I returned to my seat fighting back tears and lost myself in Sunday morning praise worship. In the music I realized that I was not crying because I was sad, scared, or defeated....but because I was hacked. Mad. Angry. P'd the you know what. My tears were my inner pleading that dang it already Lord I just wanna draw a line in the sand and say NO MORE. No more for her, no more needle sticks, scary tests, anesthesia. No more. No more tears, fears, explanations, fights, battles, no more talking. I honestly had to ask myself as a bible beating, Christ following, warrior mommy how the heck was it JUST NOW dawning on me to draw a line?!?!? To say in the spiritual as well as the natural, "we are done, healed, complete". It crossed my mind that maybe I am so busy advocating, following up, explaining, planning and talking through all the hoops to keep Bella's ship righted that I run out of energy to talk to the One who steers the ship without any help from me. Perhaps I have let the enemy keep me so worn out talking that I have forgotten to be silent before my King?
Last night as I put Bella to bed I prayed heavily over her and I vowed to trust Him more. To do less talking and more resting. Less planning and more praying. Less fighting and more trusting. Less advocating out of defense and more operating in offensive Grace. In those heavy, deep, emotional and all out prayers over her sleeping little form I drew the line. No more. She is whole. She is healed. She is perfect. Every nerve, every neuron, every synapse, every muscle, every inch of her is perfectly made in His design. She is a miracle, she will astound the doctors with her progress. She will be a voice to her generation and her life with be glory to The Lord. Even typing it my heart grips tightly with the thought "but what if she doesn't" . I don't know. I cannot allow my faith the option to allow in any fear today. The what if is not in my hands anyway....the how we get it it and through it is.
This morning I held her as they put in her IV. And by held I mean restrained. It was horrible, her screams break me. She doesn't understand. She was fully sedated on top of me then they carried her to the MRI. I never stopped kissing her face till they carried her out. I cried once she left the room. The line felt faint, fuzzy and unreliable. But in the midst God felt ever present.
I cannot help but think that before the dawn of creation He drew a line in the sand of time too....He said nothing could separate me from His love, that no weapon formed against me could prosper, that He would never leave me or forsake me. His commitment to the line was His ultimate sacrifice. He kept His agreement, there is no "if" with Him. So I will hold tight to His promises for my daughter and let Him hold tight to my line.